This wasn’t a hat; this was a badge.

When I joined a writers’ group last year, I looked forward to meeting exotic people. A young woman I had seen at the dentist perfectly fit my pre-conceived notion of an emerging writer. Her hair was returning to birth colour at its own speed; meanwhile it was mostly red with aubergine highlights. She wore a red coat, red skirt, red tights, and red rubber boots with buckle accents and none of these reds matched the hair or each another. Attached to her right red rubber boot was a full-sized red wallet, fastened to the decorative buckle. I’ve travelled to Africa, Europe, Bahrain, Oman, the Caribbean, the Yukon, Mexico, and East Vancouver and have never seen boots accessorized with a wallet.  Edgy. Provacative. Out there.

Unlike the young woman in red, my writing group (myself included) is composed of the most ordinary-looking artists imaginable: comfy pants, stretch tops (sometimes sequined), good walking shoes, and reading glasses. RM is our most unconventional member, with her auburn hair, black dresses, patterned tights and, occasionally, black lace gloves. But for the most part, we don’t turn many heads on the street. I hadn’t seen the out-there, on-the-edge woman of my imagination until last Friday’s TWS Reading Series at Take 5 Café on Granville Street.

When AR boldly plucked the mike from its stand and began to perform her poem, I smiled with satisfaction. AR is larger than life – both figuratively and literally — and dresses in Value Village punk. Her long, wispy, blonde hair was covered last Friday in a sock cap. It looked a bit like a woolen condom. I was thrilled. This wasn’t a hat; this was a badge. AR specializes in performance poetry and didn’t disappoint. Take a look — and weep for the rest of us.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjTv3w2mkp4

“Get a tat” is off my bucket list

Half of my good leg just got better. I only have one good leg (the left) and it’s only good from the knee down. Above the knee doesn’t show well, so when I saw the sign hanging from the thatched roof that sheltered the stand, just off a white sand beach in Mexico, I got the itch to decorate down below.

The rickety display table was covered in albums housing designs in sticky plastic sleeves — mostly dragons and snakes and crosses. The artist was talking in Spanish on his cell phone and only bid adios when I refused to give up and leave.  It was day three for me in Mexico so I was immune to this technique, used by locals to eliminate annoying interruptions in their day. Once we established he was available and spoke English and the body part I wanted to adorn, he became quite helpful, seeming to understand the necessity of finding something that didn’t immediately say Hooker or Biker Chick. He looked surprised when I said I’d return the next day. I always think one should take time to ponder any purchase in a foreign land. Plus, it’s like going into labour – I had the sudden urge to shave my legs.  

My left leg (from the knee down) is splendid now, particularly if I point my toes and flex my calf while lounging on a chaise beside the quiet pool. The flowers and curlicues wend behind my delicate anklebone, conveying intrigue and a certain je ne sais quoi. Dusty pink polish and black sandals with crystal bling-encrusted straps complete the picture. It’s positively Rita Russell-like.

I sigh with pleasure, knowing part of me has peaked and it only took 10 minutes and $20 Canadian. He promised it would fade in two weeks.

I’ll be getting the snake next time.

2011 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,200 times in 2011. If it were a cable car, it would take about 20 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

A message from my inner child

In the spring of 2006, one of my writing instructors posed this challenge: If the child you were at eight could see you today, what would she say? It’s an interesting exercise, particularly at this time of year when we weigh our past and wistfully plan our future. This is what I wrote five years ago:

Dear 59-year-old Karen,

Remember when you were full of vim and vigor? Sparkle Plenty, your uncle called you. You said outrageous things, got dirty, broke stuff, read books that were forbidden, stole money, eavesdropped on adult conversations, and were always late because you were involved in something really important and forgot the time.

You were curious, feisty, witty, and determined to be different from your relatives, remember?

“You can be anything you want to be,” daddy said. And you believed him.

Today you look a lot like the women in your family. Did you mean to do that? It’s not too late… take back your life… go break something.

love, 8-year-old Karen

What advice would you-at-eight give to you-today?

How I found my happy

  “I would like both of us to be happy again… to wake up most mornings smiling.”

I remembered that long ago yearning when I spotted my friend today, sitting cross-legged on the sidewalk outside one of the shops on Davie Street, between Thurlow and Bute. It was cold, but not yet emergency-shelter-cold. He was wearing a toque over his black curls and playing his flute, but stopped when he saw me coming. His smile lit him up.

I met the flute man about a month after I wrote about wanting to wake up smiling, when my life was dark. I had lived without joy for a long time, with crushing repercussions, and had started to get mad. This is a good sign, for anyone similarly suffering. Getting mad is good; getting mad means getting better.

Disgusted with my own wimpy-ness, I devised an experiment. I would walk 40 minutes a day and smile the whole time. Outside those 40 minutes, I might cry, sleep, hand-wring, drink, re-arrange furniture – whatever. But for 40 minutes a day I would smile, dammit.

There’ve been studies done on this, I learned later. The research says if you arrange your facial features into a smile, you feel happy. It sparks something physiological — you can’t avoid it. I didn’t know this when I started pounding the sidewalks wearing a smile like one of those dollar store earrings that flash on and off.

In the beginning, a few people smiled back, mostly older folks walking small dogs in coats. I watched from behind my eyes. Sweaty joggers started nodding, as if we shared a secret. I bought cut flowers from street vendors, because they seemed a plausible prop, and strangers began to comment on my bouquets; young people with maps asked directions; shop keepers hung around me, chatting. I was a month into my experiment and wondering if smiling would forever feel like lifting weights when I met the flute man.

He was sitting on a sidewalk back then, too, at the corner of Davie and Burrard. He wasn’t panhandling; he was playing. I recognized the classic and my face lifted of its own accord. I felt a frisson of happiness.

“You have a lovely smile,” he said as I passed.

I kept walking.

I have a lovely smile? I turned back, waved thanks, and then – with no effort at all — laughed out loud. I have a lovely smile.

We’ve been friends since then, the flute man and me.

Avoid Man Tools, Part 3 of 3

There were always pieces left over.

I stretched out a leg and hooked a fat cheesie with the toes of my right foot, but even with two arms helping, couldn’t get it close to my mouth; yoga was new in my life.

Almost finished. I untangled my legs and stood.

Attach the lamp shade by first pushing the light bulb protection ring onto the light bulb connector, followed by the lampshade protection ring and the lampshade holder ring. Place the lampshade onto the lampshade holder ring brackets and tighten the decorative screw. Insert a light bulb into the light bulb connector.

I stood back, arms extended, and admired my work. It looked exactly like its mate in the store. With exaggerated care, I bent over and pushed the plug into an outlet, then straightened and flicked the switch. Instant light. No explosion.

Dropping into a deep bow, I executed an end-zone chicken dance into the kitchen where I popped the screwdriver, both vice grips and the roll of electrician’s tape into the dishwasher. I’ll buy girl tools, I decided, and pushed the quick wash button.

Girl tools, it turns out, are nowhere close to dishwasher safe. My girl screwdriver has a cushioned handle made of black waffled rubber, accented with a ¾ inch diamante band topped with black fur. Above the fur and below the waffled rubber grip are yellow plastic accent touches. Oh yes, and there is a silver thingy coming out the furry end with different shaped attachments cleverly set in a circle at the base. That’s the working bit. My silver tape measure is equally smart and matches, with the signature band of diamante across the top, down one side, and along the bottom. Ditto the svelte hammer.

These elegant implements were a gift and are instant conversation-pieces, but more practical implements for “smart, independent, tool-toting women,” are available on the internet. This isn’t surprising, really. With the looming wave of grey divorce, we could be looking at a growth industry. [The end.]

Avoid Man Tools, Part 2 of 3

The damp patches under my arms and at the small of my  back brought on by manhandling that box from my parking spot on P3 to my suite on the ninth floor were almost dry by the time I had the lamp’s workings catalogued and sorted on the living room floor. Everything was laid out on a grid exactly matching the diagram on page two of the instructions titled, “This Box Contains.”

I had hoped to find tools. Didn’t things sometimes come with tools?

I filled a squat glass with ice and Crown Royal and scrounged through the junk drawer. Toothpicks, batteries, nails, picture hooks, string, half a clothespin, WD40, tacks, a box cutter, two brown rubber door stops and a BIC lighter that didn’t fire. There was an old, rusty vice grip that looked like it had been used to pull the fingernails from a recalcitrant hostage, but no screw driver. I moved to the laundry room, where I recalled seeing a toolbox tucked into a gap behind the washing machine. It weighed about 40 pounds and contained a roll of black electrician’s tape with bits of lint and what looked like metal filings stuck to it, another can of WD40, grungy nuts and bolts, more vice grips, and one well-used, rusty screw driver with the little square end I needed. I was in business.

On my third highball, I was sitting victorious in a loose lotus position in the middle of the living room floor with the base of the lamp clamped inside the circle of my legs and all eight Greek key wings securely attached to the hollow, central pole. The lamp’s electrical nerve centre squirted out the top and flopped to one side like a limp piece of licorice. The beat of Classic ‘80s Rock was thumping in the background and little pyramids of Cheetos Crunchy Cheesies anchored the top two corners of the instruction sheet. I was enjoying a soliloquy.

“If he was doing this, he’d be welding a new base to make sure it didn’t tip over. He’d replace these cute, little ochre-coloured screws with shiny silver ones that were stronger, but hideous-looking, and then he’d re-wire the whole thing, using the guts from something rescued from the recycling depot on Galiano Island. And there’d be pieces left over.” [TO BE CONTINUED]

Avoid Man Tools: Part 1 of 3

In the early days of singlehood, when I was rearranging furniture at 3:00 a.m. because I couldn’t sleep, I remembered I’d always wanted a reading lamp for my end of the couch. I’d never said this out loud, because my then-husband would have rooted around in the back of his truck until he found a paint-encrusted trouble light that he could hook over the valance using something left over from raising timber frame walls on the island. A twelve foot, yellow, outdoor extension cord would then be pressed into service – temporarily — to solve the power issue. But now that he was providing temporary solutions for someone else, I realized there was nothing to stop me from getting exactly what I wanted.

I parked at the big box store on Terminal Avenue with a sense of anticipation entirely out of proportion to the task at hand. It was a lamp, but it felt bigger. Up and down the wide aisles I floated, assessing my options: pot lights, table lamps, chandeliers, lamps that stood alone, and wall scones — silly, sleek, frumpy, weird, elegant and proletarian. I flicked switches, tested bases, peered under shades and kept coming back to one I pegged as weird. 

It was a floor model made of an iron-like substance — not black, but brownish ochre. The surface was pitted and rough. At the base and near the top, just under the shade, the iron twisted into a Greek key-style design of four wings that were perpendicular to the floor, like geese coming in to land on a lake. I set the lamp in the centre of the aisle and walked its perimeter. It stood almost as high as me, but had a manageable 10×10 inch base. If I put the back seat down and laid it on its side, I thought it  would fit.

A fellow in an orange apron was stocking shelves one aisle over.

“Excuse me,” I called through the chandeliers. “Will this lamp fit in my car?” I pointed to my floor lamp.

“What kind of car?”

“Honda Accord.”

“Sure, no problem.”

I was revelling in the heady aftermath of solo decision-making and paying no attention to what the young man was actually doing, until he appeared beside me clutching a box that would challenge the rear end of a Hummer. I glanced from the box to my floor lamp and remembered why men love Home Depot.

Bloody hell. Assembly required. [TO BE CONTINUED]

Bring on those Pappagrams

After the Defrag It post, my sister called to suggest I take vitamin B12 for my memory. She’s right, because there’s no one here to remind me where I hid the Christmas gifts I bought on sale last spring or what day of the week The Good Wife airs this season.  So I wrote B12 on my Costco list right beside ground flaxseed. This would be in addition to the fish oil for my eyesight, glucosamine for my finger joints, calcium for my long bones and vitamin D to boost the absorption of the calcium. I dropped the 55+ multivitamin when studies showed I might die faster with them than without.

Keeping up with medical research has become a fulltime job.

I’ve happily added dark chocolate to my list of preventative props, but red wine is tough for me, unless I’ve had three Crown, which turns me into that other woman who would love a glass, thanks. I eat broccoli and fish and the stuff that starts with Q and only occasionally go face-down in Cheetos Crunchy Cheesies. Instead of a bone density test, I like to take a good fall twice a year — if nothing breaks, I figure I’m okay for another six months.

So I’m doing my bit not to be a burden (as the media has starting calling us Boomers), but I’ve noticed reluctance recently, on the part of the medical system, to attend to all my preventative needs. No more regular pap smears for females 60+ who still have their baby-making bits and this week some study from afar has suggested ‘The Girls’ can get along with less attention too. Apparently, we don’t need regular mammograms any more. (I would cheer, but I smell a cost-savings committee behind this one.)

Which made me wonder about gender equity in diagnostic testing; when will they unveil a big, shiny, metal thing that rotates on its axis, putting ‘TheBoys’ into a vice grip and shooting them with invisible rays while a technician hides behind a Plexiglas screen? We could call it a Pappagram. But I digress…

What I’m really waiting for is the study that shows Crown Royal boosts the immune system and that cheesies protect against traveler’s diarrhea and both are therefore safe – indeed recommended — while on vacation.

Wait and see… there’s a study coming.

Defrag it

I’m sitting in a chrome swivel chair with a black Darth Vader cloak on backwards, my hair wet and slicked back, staring at a face that doesn’t seem remotely familiar. Whose laugh lines are those?

My hairdresser is telling me about downloading three seasons of Mad Men and watching with her boyfriend.

“I hate that Don Draper,” she said. “He’s a jerk.”

I try changing the subject, but she pitches the new topic right back at me.

“Nope, how about you — seen any good movies lately?”

I saw a good one recently. I can picture walking up Granville St. to the Fifth Avenue theatre. I can see my friend waiting for me at the ticket booth. I watch us, in my mind, buying popcorn and drinks and finding seats on the aisle.

“Wadidyasee?” she asks.

I recall it was good. I recall it starred Brad Pitt. Who can forget Brad Pitt? The title and story escape me. Total blank.

She laughs kindly. What else can she do? I poke into various nooks and crannies in my brain, look behind stuff, peer over mounds and into ditches. Fifth Avenue… Brad Pitt… good movie. Nothing else.

I like to think it’s because my brain’s RAM is full. My computer has a program called “Defrag It,” which tidies up my stored files into neat stacks, leaving great, gaping, empty places so I can crunch new stuff. I could really use that for my brain.

By now the entire salon is working on my problem. Anyone seen a movie lately with Brad Pitt? The hairdresser next to our station is young, with close-cropped hair and a single, tasteful earring. He reaches towards the shelf beside him, pulls a smartphone up to his mouth and says clearly, “Brad Pitt’s latest film.”

Yagottabekiddingme!

It took two minutes, but the answer came out of that shiny flat wonder machine… Moneyball!

Yeah… Moneyball. Brad Pitt. Baseball story. Great movie.

Gotta get me one of those smartphones.